Power and Control vs. Equality

Power and Control

  • Coercion and Threats
  • Intimidation Making and/or carrying out threats Making her afraid by using looks, to hurt or leave partner, commit actions, gestures, smashing things, suicide, report her to welfare, destroying her property, abusing making her do illegal things, pets, displaying weapons, and making her drop charges. target practice.
  • Economic Abuse
  • Emotional Abuse Putting her down, making her feel keeping a job, making her work bad about herself, calling her and taking her money, making names, making her think she’s her ask for money, giving her an crazy, playing mind games, making allowance, not letting her know her feel guilty, humiliating her. about or have access to finances.
  • Using Male Privilege
  • Isolation Treating the woman like a servant, controlling what she does, who making all the big decisions, she sees and talks to, what she acting like the “master of the reads, where she goes, limiting castle,” being the one defining her outside involvement, using gender roles and jealousy to justify actions.
  • Using Children
  • Minimizing, Denying, and Blaming Making her feel guilty about the abuse, making light of the abuse, using the children to taking her concerns about it relay messages, using visitation seriously, saying the abuse didn’t to harass her, threatening to take happen shifting responsibility for the children away. abusive behavior, saying she caused it.


  • Negotiations and Fairness
  • Trust and Support Seeking mutually satisfying artner’s support each other’s life resolutions to conflict, being goals, respect right to each others’ opinions, willing to compromise, and feelings, friends, activities, and accepting change.
  • Economic Partnership
  •  Honesty and Accountability Making money decisions together, Accepting responsibility for own making sure both partners benefit actions, admitting being wrong, from financial arrangements communicating openly and honestly.
  • Shared responsibility
  • Respect Mutually agreeing on a fair Listening non-judgmentally and distribution of work, making valuing other’s opinions. Being family decisions together. emotionally affirming and understanding.
  • Responsible Parenting
  • Non-threatening Behavior – Sharing parenting jobs, being a Talking and acting so that both positive non-violent role model. feel safe and comfortable expressing self and doing things.

A note:
Many of you may be familiar with this chart in another format. A program in Duluth developed it as a pie chart type list of contrasting behaviors. Here we’ve reformatted it to save downloading time and web storage space.
Traditionally most domestic violence programs have focused on victims services. Rightfully so, however, now many are seeing and moving toward the necessity of developing Batterer’s Intervention Programs.
One of the main pitfalls of these programs seems to be the failure of most batterers to acknowledge the need for reeducation. The Family Refuge Center, along with other agencies in the state and across the country are approaching the legal system to encourage them to mandate attendance in an approved Batterer’s Intervention Program as a possible alternative to jail time.
These programs are an attempt to end the cycle of violence that spans generations and crosses economic and cultural boundaries.

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